we were outside talking to the cops (they thought they were gonna bust some dumb kids sitting in a parking lot for smoking weed, then we shushed them because j was on the phone with suicide hotline) and i heard a car door slam and i screamed and started crying. i thought it was matt. i thought he finally jumped out his third story window like he told us he wanted to for the last four months.
sunday: everything is normal, find a suicide note, get “goodbye” facebook messages. we find matt in time. he took 20 klonopin and was a quarter of the way through the amount of beer he would need to stop him from breathing. 11pm; get to hospital.
monday: in ER with matt until 5 pm with a brief interlude to completely fail a final i needed to get an A on, but it isn’t a priority. they discharge him at 5 despite everyone telling them he isn’t ready.
tuesday: he comes over after work, tells me he doesn’t want to be alive anymore, regrets answering the phone call that let me find him. goes to bed with this girl who is absolutely fucking toxic: she keeps telling him to man up and get over it and we just barely got him to open up to us. now she’s shutting him down and i don’t know if we’ll get him to open back up again. spend two hours with suicide hotline and the cops and their best answer is to watch him. we come to find out that the ER thought he was drunk and wrote a suicide note for attention and took a few more pills than he was supposed to, which is why they discharged him.
wednesday: it’s now 8:06 am and i haven’t slept for more than 45 minutes since saturday night, and every time i fall asleep, i have very realistic nightmares that he managed to kill himself. i’m sick to my stomach—literally. the only thing i can keep down is coffee, and only sometimes. matt’s mom is on a flight here and we’ll pick her up at 11:45. i don’t know if she can help but i don’t think my friends and i can. we don’t know what to do. it’s so much more than him being depressed and i can’t even explain it because i don’t understand it but i’ve never been so terrified in my life. i don’t know what to do. i want to help him more than anything in the world and i can’t and don’t know how.
i had to take a brief interlude from typing between tuesday and wednesday to puke up the crackers i thought i would be able to hold down.